BUT please nothing racist and nothing too offensive .
i'll start you off... not great but satisfactory...
Quote:
1) a scouse woman with 13 children went to the councilers and had to fill out a form which required her to name all her children. the counciler looked at it rather suprised reading out wayne..wayne wayne etc. then he goes to her ' doesnt it get confusing having them all called wayne. i mean, how do they know which one you're talking too." the scouse woman said " that easy, i just call them but their last name."
Quote:
2) Mommy & "Uncle" Frank (long but worth it)
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
Quote:
3)Nurse Nancy
Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!''
''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, “earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''
All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.
''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'
avatar by papercut, sig by shinx04
Quality > Quantity
which is why we give active members who post quality, media and pic room access.
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began:
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
No, being a superduper mod means that I can't say them, as I would be breaking the rules that I am sworn to uphold and all that. It kind of would make it like other places I've been at, where the mods are seemingly exempt from the rules.
A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd. were all in a far away land, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in that country , so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent King decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the King suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Liverpool fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Man Utd. fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the King turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Man Utd. fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave. "The King says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the King asks.
"Please tie the Liverpool fan to my back."
A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd. were all in a far away land, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in that country , so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent King decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the King suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Liverpool fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Man Utd. fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the King turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Man Utd. fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave. "The King says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the King asks.
"Please tie the Liverpool fan to my back."
Two Blonde Essex Girls walk into a department store, They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Debs sprays it on her wrist and smells it.
"That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace"
"Yeah what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the fuck does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi ladies, is French for 'come to me'"
Debs takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"
-----
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
Quality of Posts > Quantity of Posts
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Official Jokes Thread!
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07-07-2007, 12:09 PM
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